traditional blog entry

Well, kids, it's the last day of the year, and I am probably the only one who knows what that means! It means that it requires a special entry today. So, here goes.

MEMORIES FROM EACH MONTH

January: breaking up with K
February: joining every club known to man
March: LENT!! YAY LENT!!
April: Easter--AKA, the end of Lent!
May: crashing my dear old car Nicholas
June: biking to work up in Orem every day. My legs were so hot
July: quitting that job to write my novel instead, going to DC to vote at convention
August: Shelley getting married and Brandallyn engaged
September: start of Fall semester
October: carbon monoxide leak!
November: Thanksgiving at the C
December: finals and freedom


WHAT I LEARNED THIS YEAR

1. Life goes on (Obladi, oblada. And so forth).
2. The longer you look at a cat, the more it looks like an alien.
3. The best way to deal with life = distractions. At least sometimes.
4. While internationally-focused clubs might be cool on the surface, they don't actually get much done.
5. Sometimes all you really need in life is SpyFox.
6. Surprisingly, you don't have to work that hard to become politically in charge of things. You just need to have the right friends and exhibit slight desire. They practically force you into being in charge.
7. The only way to get something done is to start it.
8. It's important not to make decisions entirely alone (prayer!).
9. My family is way cooler now than I remember them being 3 years ago.
10. Sometimes "forever" doesn't really mean that. Get over it.


OFFICIAL RESOLUTIONS

1. Use my new running shoes at least 4 times a week.
2. Get that internship at CEI.
3. Get 60 credits this year.
4. Help my candidate win the election, or at least prevent Hillary from doing so.
5. Read 52 books over the course of the year.
6. Become the chair of the CRs.
7. Go to the temple once a week.

UNOFFICIAL SORT OF GOALS I WOULD LIKE TO ACHEIVE

1. Get that novel published!
2. Run a marathon.




HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

results

Your career profile shows you are an Opportunist.
As an Opportunist, you can easily interact with all types of people, and you have an excellent memory for factual information. You are results-oriented, and primarily concerned with whatever it takes to reach your goals. You naturally know how to maneuver people to get them moving in your desired direction, while winning their confidence in the process. Because you are very observant, you can look at a situation and see what needs to be done and how to do it. You prefer living in the present moment, and you see little use for concepts or theories that do not help solve today's issues. You are seldom interested in conforming to structured establishments or protocols, unless you consider the benefits or incentives sufficient. You have leadership ability, but are more likely to get behind someone else's idea and advance it to success. Your unusual ability to read the nonverbal cues of others is another factor that helps you persuade and negotiate; yet, others often mistakenly perceive this ability as empathy.

ADVENTURE!!!!!

Just got back from my adventure!

My dad and I woke up bright and early and left the house at 7 am to get to NYC by 11:30. There was this long, complicated part involving security people but eventually we made it onto the ferry to Ellis Island. We wandered around there, and then took the ferry to Liberty Island, and wandered around there, and took lots of pictures. And then we spent a bunch of hours being lost in uptown while looking for Patsy's, and then we found it, and met my cousins and their parents there, and bonded over the best pizza potentially in the world, although maybe not. And then at 7:39 pm (not that I was looking) we came home! And got back at exactly 12:19 am this morning. O frabjous day, calloo callay, and we go shopping for new shoes on the morrow!

My dad + adventures + pizza = :^D

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas, yo! Awesome things received:

-iPod Nano
-The Tenth Kingdom on DVD!!!
-Ann Coulter's new book, which is hilarious
-some beautiful art
-the 2008 Writer's Market
and money for new running shoes.

My family is so funny. I was so excited to see the money presented me by my grandmother, I basically exploded with joy that I could finally buy new shoes! Over the summer I ran 3 miles a day every day, and now my old shoes are so worn out... I'd had them since I was like 14. Talk about holey. But finally I can get new! [My dad said he'd get me some for Christmas, which he didn't, but when he said that a few weeks ago I just kind of threw my old shoes away just because, so I haven't been running or even had running shoes for a while.]

And my mom just looks at me and says, "yeah, but once you get running shoes, then you have to run in them."

And the entire clan is turned in my direction with looks of horror plastered on their faces. LoL.

Which reminds me of the other day, apparently my grandmother in UT called my mom to complain that I have too many opinions. :^P

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was going house hunting in Provo and I walked up to this one house, and a bunch of my Chambers friends were there. So in greeting, I began singing Elohim Hashivenu, the most gorgeous Hebrew motet we learned one time. They all joined in (well, all five of them or whatever), and we sang the whole thing. At the culmination of the singing, this one guy I've never seen before in my life comes up to me and asks if I've ever written. I tell him, yes, I write fairly frequently, and he asks if I want to give a concert on their baby grand in the backyard. Everyone looks excited. I go over and play a few songs, come back, and this same guy grabs my arm. "What?" I ask. He pulls me down gently, and then we just sit there for like, indefinitely, and then I woke up. It was weird.


ADVENTURE TOMORROW!!!!!!

my dream come true!!

Guys! My daddy is an answer to my prayers!

Mostly because my only real prayer for this break was to have an adventure.

Anyway, this morning he came over to me and asked if it would be cool if just he and I went up to NYC for the day on Wednesday. He wants us to go to the Statue of Liberty, which I've actually never been to. And I HOPE we go ice skating at Rockefeller Square. That was my big dream for an NYC adventure this break. Oh man, guys. We'll go to Patzi's, and the Buttercup Bake Shop, and maybe we can go dance somewhere!!! Just kidding, I don't think my dad dances. But wouldn't that be fantastic!! And we can listen to rockin sweet music in the car. I think we both like Blood, Sweat and Tears, and also the Beatles, Five for Fighting, the Goo Goo Dolls, the Killers, and Queen, and, um, Seal, and... well, hopefully we'll talk.

Yay! Guys, I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!

atmospheric instability?

So I just got out of my PAS 340 final: Air Quality and Air Pollution. I feel pretty good about it. My flashcards worked! Huzzah huzzah!

Anyway, as I was walking up to the test, I was looking at those infamous flashcards of doom and imminent destruction, and one card in particular stood out.

What is the major cause of health-affecting inversions?

Atmospheric stability.

And it was so weird to read that, even though it had never been weird before. It just hit me--

I did a lot of research on the Bujagali Falls hydropower dam just a few months ago, and in my research I found that hydropower dams cause a lot of problems in the surrounding environments. Why? Because they cut off the flow of the water. Stagnant water eutrophicates, which basically means that while it's stagnating, algae and other small organisms thrive, and eventually use up all the oxygen and suffocate everything in the lake. You know a lake has experienced eutrophication if the whole thing is basically stinky and dead.

Anyway. It never occurred to me before that stability, in that sense, could be so.... you know, not good. I guess so many times I've looked at myself and halfheartedly wished I could pick just one or two things to focus my life on--but actually, tying yourself down to stability could lead to your own spiritual or physical or mental or emotional eutrophication. It's important to have air flow in all directions, to prevent harmful inversions. Severe inversions can kill you in less than 48 hours. It's important to have water flow in order to prevent eutrophication and subsequent suffocation of everything. Minor--and sometimes major--changes in life direction can actually be life-saving.

Um, my conclusion: the world needs to stop putting so much emphasis on the need for stability and the ability to predict the future. And we should all just accept the fact that we don't know what's coming--and that even if the air current is annoying and blowing a way we don't particularly like, it's far better than dying from Donora-esque acute respiratory failure.

In other words: change is good. Amen.

nothing like a little stochasticism before bed

these rules are made to break
and these walls are made to fall
these rules are made to break us all

Those are lyrics from The Hush Sound's "Momentum." I just finished reading a book called "How To Think Like Einstein," and it's all about learning to solve problems by breaking rules.

Did you know? Albert Einstein hated being a citizen, so he renounced his German citizenship and became stateless. He didn't like classes, so he didn't go. He totally stuck it to the man at every opportunity. It was freaking awesome. He is so my hero.

So anyway, here is what I learned this week: anyone can do impossible things if they don't know they're impossible. And sometimes the only way to solve a problem is to break a few rules.


All of a sudden I feel a lot better about hating school. :^P

power plants and feminism

So I just got back from a tour of a power plant down in Delta. I drove. I paid for the gas (it was a full tank there and back...!). I took one of my male classmates. In return he held a door open for me. X.x; Boys suck. Oh well. Other than that he's a cool dude, I guess.

The tour was fine. The building was designed for men. The hard hats were huge, I had to manually hold on my goggles, the earplugs wouldn't fit. The ladder rungs were spaced way too far apart, and basically it was annoying. I don't think power plants are a place for women to work, honestly, but at the same time, if women aren't meant to work there, they shouldn't be forced to tour it either. Dang.

And the guy giving the tour? He was a sweetheart, but at the same time, he played that same stupid game so many men play--he didn't even look at me half the time. Eye contact is a sign of respect and denying that is a sign of disrespect--at least in excess. I counted. He looked at me about 10 times during the 3.5 hours. But he talked to S the entire time.

So basically I feel discriminated against. I don't really care about that, but I care that it would be a class requirement to endure that. Argh. And from my professor, too. You'd think he'd be ultra-sensitive to those sorts of situations. You know, being a hardcore freedom-hating liberal and all. Those sorts of people usually get all up-in-arms about feminism, I guess. Maybe not if you're not female.

Anyway, lame.

Oh yeah, and my car broke on the way home.

songs

I don't really understand some of the songs that have been dedicated to me. Specifically the one that was dedicated to me by my wee brother today: Starts With One by Shiny Toy Guns. [edit: he apparently only thinks of me when he hears that "catchy ending" and it has nothing to do with the lyrics.]

Anyway.

GOOD SONGS DEDICATED TO ME
She's So High by Tal Bachman
Drops of Jupiter by Train
Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World

BAD SONGS DEDICATED TO ME
Apologize by Timbaland
Cold by Matchbox Twenty

Yay, good outnumbers bad

PS. Oh yeah I remembered this other song a random guy dedicated to me: Beautiful by Flickerstick. Sad for him, I wouldn't date him if you paid me. But hey, there are worse things.

PPS. Oh yes, there was also this one that someone dedicated to me once.... hehehe...

idiosyncrasy

So, I have a number of really weird quirks. Here are some of them.

1. I am allergic to adhesive tape. All of it.

2. I am also allergic to mildew.

3. I can't handle it when shower curtains are randomly closed. Like, when you walk in the bathroom and no one else is in there and the curtain is closed. Why? Because obviously there is probably a dead person on the other side that someone stuck there to hide them while they soak in flesh-dissolving acid. Ew.

4. I have this weird paranoia when it comes to my eyes. Why? Because probably at any given moment some projectile--a pencil, maybe, or some sort of eating utensil--could just fly at my face and land in my eye! And then I would be BLIND! How traumatizing!

5. I really have troubles when people look at me too much. Really, it creeps me out. Okay, that was kind of a lie--I don't mind it when men look at me, actually I kind of enjoy knowing that I am a distracting woman, but when other girls look at me too much, I really get freaked out. This is especially amplified when I can tell that the person staring is doing so to figure out what I am thinking--when obviously all I am thinking about is how creepy they are when they are staring.

6. I HATE it when I go to a comedy or something, or am watching a funny TV show with insecure people who always look over at me to see if I'm laughing at something funny. Look, it really doesn't matter what we all find funny. You just go ahead and laugh at whatever you want, and please don't look over at me while you do it, because I find that creepy. Look at someone else in the room if you must have your sense of humor validated by other people who have no idea how your mind works and therefore have no authority to tell you what you should find funny. Whatever.

7. When I get nervous or excited I shake my hands around in the air.

8. I can make my eyebrows twitch really really fast.

yay ocelots <3

Christmas List

These are things I would not mind getting for Christmas:

-2008 Writer's Market
-Ideas Have Consequences
-Letters to a Young Conservative
-a membership to Gold's Gym

Anyway. Thanksgiving was good. I spent the past few days up in Woodland, UT, celebrating my head off with my grandparents and DS aunt. It was a unique experience.

My great grandma came up for the meal, which was a little scary. She's bald. Old bald women are creepy, let's not lie to ourselves. However, she said that in comparison to her other 93 Thanksgivings, this one was the best ever.

On the plus side, my grandparents are way cool, and my aunt and uncle came up with their kids. We played Settlers of Catan and had a rockin time.

Yay Thanksgiving.

john donne

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
John Donne

It's been a while since I read this quotation, but my one aunt in Ethiopia just sent it to me.

I think if we all realized how very truly we are connected to one another, this world would be a very different place.

and then i saw the light

I went to another interview for Washington Seminar yesterday. PS, I don't remember if I mentioned it here, but I was accepted, and I'm going back home to DC for an internship in the summer. But anyway. I and Dr. G were talking about what internships I'd like to do. I have my heart set on the Competitive Enterprise Institute, to be honest. But I needed 10 on this paper, so I had some stuff with the EPA, the Climate Institute, some other random ones. And he asked me, ideally, where I would be in five years.

And I thought about it for like 1.24 seconds and said, "Ideally, I'd be writing political books, probably about the environment."

He was shocked; this whole time he'd been trying to convince me to go work in soil labs or whatever and couldn't understand why I was focused so much on congressional environmental stuff. I think he thought it was just because those were the things on the WS database. But no, that's really what I want to do.

I feel very much more confident about my future knowing that. I never realized what I wanted to do until he asked.

mmh

Life is so strange.

I terminated my housing contract yesterday. It's really nice to know I'm free from that one. I haven't figured out where I'm going to live yet; I really want a place with my friend L. She is definitely the coolest person I know, just really ambitious and assertive and so on. We've made plans to be millionaires together. The thing is, with her, I know it's going to happen.

I'm tired of living in a house that is always in disrepair, with management that facilitates that and doesn't even care. And I need a place whose atmosphere is one of industriousness, cleanliness, and conscientiousness. Here, I just remember high school, and how I would wake up at 4:00 am every single day just for the moments when the TV wouldn't be on. I can't do that these days. I just need to move away and live with people who want to help the world, and who live in accordance with that. That's all.

I guess I'm kind of learning how truly important environment is. I love my little house, but I can't live in a place where my lifestyle isn't appreciated. I mean, I found soda cans in the trash the other day. Lots of them. A blatant statement: "I don't care about God's earth and even though the recycling is right next to the trash I am going to put this can somewhere where it can never be used again." Sick. God told us to take care of His earth. Read the Doctrine and Covenants. Recycling is so important to being a good steward. So it was made up by leftist pinkos, but "reduce, reuse, and recycle" is actually a pretty good motto for any good Mormon.

Or, let's talk about Ezra Taft Benson. From his "Our Immediate Responsibility:"

"Do not think the members of the Church shall escape. The Lord has assured us that the Church will still be here when He comes again. But has the Lord assured us that we can avoid fighting for freedom and still escape unscathed both temporally and spiritually? We could not escape the eternal consequences of our pre-existent position on freedom. What makes us think we can escape it here?...

For years we have heard of the role the elders could play in saving the Constitution from total destruction. But how can the elders be expected to save it if they have not studied it and are not sure if it is being destroyed or what is destroying it?...

Now Satan is anxious to neutralize the inspired counsel of the Prophet... For example, he will argue, "There is no need to get involved in the fight for freedom--all you need to do is live the Gospel." Of course this is a contradiction, because we cannot fully live the Gospel and not be involved in the fight for freedom."

Yes, that was the Prophet. Probably something Harry Reid thinks was misguided and has led us astray, but the fact is, that's a fact. It just rends my heart that so many of the people I love so much are so... deceived! They honestly don't feel guilt at all when it comes to the fact that they are blatantly disregarding the commandment to fight.

I've been talking to a bunch of them about this, and the reasons I hear that they can't get involved:
-time
-it's boring
-too complicated
-don't know what to do.

All I have to say is, to hell with that. To absolute hell, and literally. Literally, that is what will happen if you keep holding onto that. Just ask Ezra Taft Benson.

1. Everyone has the same amount of time in the day. I promise, I am taking more credits and working more hours and running more clubs than anyone else I have ever met. And yet, I still find the time to go to CRs once a week for an hour, and I still find the time to go stand for an hour before an election with a sign. Not that hard. If you don't have enough time, it's because you are lazy, and laziness is a sin. Ask Brigham Young.

2. Um, politics isn't meant to be entertaining. Neither is Church. Bad excuse.

3. Life is complicated. There are people out there who can explain things to you if you'll be open enough to hear it, and believe it or not, you could get off your rear and read a book on those matters. I even own like a zillion of them. I will personally help you find a book that answers your questions.

4. Hi. I know what to do. I will tell you what you can do. It's really not that difficult. You don't even have to figure this one out on your own (I did).
~~~~

Ok, I'm done. The end.

dating poem

dating






sucks








amen.

tiredness and frustration things

So I've been really tired and frustrated lately.

I just don't understand how people can be so lazy. Honestly, I don't get it. Why is that? How can that even be?

We are all given the exact same number of hours in the day. And we will be held accountable for what we choose to do with them. So maybe watching TV for 23 hours a day isn't a sin, or maybe doing assorted other things isn't a sin, but we will be held accountable for the knowledge we didn't gain. And for the people we didn't help. And the commandments we didn't keep--for instance, the commandments to be involved in the happenings of the world. Heavenly Father has told us multiple times that we have the responsibility to be active in the workings of our community and our nation. And yet people selectively blip that one out, just like they ignore the command to be good stewards of the earth.

Time is precious. We can't afford to waste it. ::sigh::

my brother = my hero

From my mother:

"Finally, a funny story about Sam:

He was assigned to write a college application essay - a real, true one, in English. He wrote it all right, but because he is not applying to college, he did not make it real. He presented himself as a poor kid who grew up in Sweden because Daddy was a government worker there, and when we left a few years ago all he had to his name would fit in a sack on his lap. And the poor thing never learned American slang because Swedish kids don't know it, and Daddy and I are educated and did not use it, so he has felt left out, but "latt borda some ne annan bar" as Daddy always says, which is "it is an easy burden another carries." It goes on and on, and I guess Sam did NOT tell the teacher it was totally bogus, and the teacher now feels all sorry for him. "How inspiring!" was one of the comments written on it.

This would be the same teacher who, when Sam challenged him on his support for voting for women or black people just because they LOOK different, said, "Well, when you put it that way, you make it sound so superficial!"

I can't decide whether to call the teacher and tell him that we really are not poor and Swedish, or to just let him go on thinking it...."

I love my brother. <3

hee hee hee

I should not nearly be so gleeful about the fact that we will never date after this.

crazy dream

I had this dream just now that was really interesting. I was in the Kennedy Center lobby talking with this one very liberal associate of mine. We were discussing our respective clubs and how we both felt oppressed. He was feeling oppressed because he was liberal.

And then I started talking.

By the end of my spiel, this associate just looked at me and was like, "dang. You are oppressed." And the reason was because no one took me seriously, because I was female. At least in my dream that was the case (and I know it's often true in real life, but I'm trying to be optimistic).

And then I woke up and felt like I had to liberate all the women out there... or somehow change things for them... I don't know. It was weird. I love waking up passionate in the morning.

But honestly, the truth is that there are a whole lot of people out there--both men and women, and some really great ones, too--who just don't take female leaders seriously. It's really a shame because there are some of us out there who can be quite frightening. Personally, I think Hillary is a great example. She should be taken seriously. Then you have Margaret Thatcher, what a phenomenal woman. Boudicca and Hatshepsut and Abigail Adams, Susan B. Anthony. There are many women out there who have done so much for the world. Or at least for their respective nations. Not enough, I feel, but hey. What can you do, when the world is populated by a whole bunch of people whose ambitions have never extended beyond.... anything. What can you do? I guess just ignore them and do what you have to do.

I dated a lot more before I took my ambitions seriously.

I was pondering that, and how lame it was, and then I decided that it wasn't really that lame, it was just kind of sad. But just as well. At least now I know I only go out with boys who are not severely intimidated by my accomplishment, or whatever.

But anyway, women leaders. I heard one of my really good friends say yesterday that he slept through every female speaker at Conference. Honestly, I can't really blame him because the female leaders of the Church kind of bug me sometimes, just linguistically (did you know that Mormon RSPs in the Mountain West speak their own particular dialect? We studied it in one of my linguistics classes once). I used to enjoy listening to them because I would analyze how oddly they speak in relation to the rest of society, but now it just seems silly. There is no reason to change how you speak just because you live in Utah and got a different calling.

I think I was the oddest RSP my girls ever saw, in retrospect.

ANYWAY. Even really great guys who are basically awesome don't take many women leaders seriously, and it's sad.

But it's okay. I can make them take me seriously.

so then this one time

So then this one time I started a whole blog just to keep track of my song lyrics, lexi-lyrics.blogspot.com. Yes, I know it compromises my secret identity. I don't actually care that much. Sorry if that spoils the fun, ey.

Things are going pretty decently. I dropped SID and SFA, to focus my time on my political endeavors and not failing out of Bio 120. Serious, I'm pretty much preparing myself for a hardcore F. I've never gotten a bad grade before. I'm partially excited about it. The nice thing about life is that I'm applying for an internship for the summer, and since I've only taken one class in my major, I can honestly say my major GPA is 4.00. Sweet, ey?

In other news... bought some chick lit today, because do you ever get those days where you just need to read some cheesy and pointless romance stuff? Meg Cabot is the best writer ever for cheesy romance stuff. Weird day, kids: the BYU Bookstore is totally selling Phillipa Gregory Boyle books in the Fiction section. First, she only writes historical fiction, thanks, and second, her books can be kind of pretty graphic. Learned the hard way, goo goo g'joob. I was slightly shocked.

Hmm... trying to think of other good stories. Saw Across the Universe the other day, FINALLY, and it was SO TRIPPY!!! It was like being on an acid trip, except without the acid (not that I would know from experience). I told one of my Utah friends that today, and she got so confused. Has to ask what acid was. :^P

Basically, the movie is less like a cohesive line and more like a string of connected music videos. The major complaint I've heard is about nudity, and yes, there was enough nudity that maybe it should have been rated R. But the thing with it that was interesting was that it wasn't pornographic, I thought. Really, usually that stuff grosses me out and so forth, but it was really artistic, oddly. More like looking at a Greek statue than a trippy hippie movie. Anyway, I loved it, and now I love the music even more, and PLEASE can Jude join the Church, use a time machine to come to the present, stop being a fictional character, sing me some Beatles songs, and marry me?

Although actually that would probably be a recipe for disaster... I've seriously dated two Judes in the past, and you know, I think I'm more hardcore than Lucy was. In real life, Lucys and Judes just don't work out. So, oh well. Obladi, oblada, am I right?

Well kids, life is so fantastic I can barely handle it. And Harry Reid comes tomorrow! (It's still Monday night in my head)

(I should go to bed)

(my circadian rhythm is so dumb)

realization

So then this morning while I was in the shower, I had this epiphany (isn't it odd how the shower is the place for that sort of thing? I think it's just because you can't write anything down in there... unless you have those bath crayons or whatever... but I don't have those). Which epiphany was: since like February, I've been sort of more or less crazy about this one guy (or being the keyword most days), and it has finally hit me, hopefully for good, that I have basically been insane. Every moment I've wasted even pondering the whole thing has been exactly that: a moment wasted.

It's really quite liberating.

So, now I can get back to the things that matter. That was officially the last moment I ever spent thinking about such a loser non-prospect.

[isn't it amazing how willing we are to waste our lives over completely hopeless and/or stupid things like that? amazing]

happy october, everyone

Well kids, autumn is finally here, and so is TIM BURTON MONTH!!!! Join the gals of Sherwood Up for exciting movie nights stochastically during this entire month. We will be celebrating Tim Burton, and also that our carbon monoxide levels are currently 680 times higher than that of the ambient atmosphere. Did the calculations myself (aren't you all glad my entire major revolves around air pollution?).

But no worries--according to my research, we're still several ppms away from imminent death. By several I mean several hundred. Unless TPM measured incorrectly, which is a possibility. Oh well.

The new apartment theme song:

Carbon monoxide
Soon we’ll go to sleep
No one will notice we’re gone
Cause we don’t have a job to keep
They’ll just say that we’re being lazy
They’ll just say we’re living our whole life in bed
And we’ll be in bed but we’ll be oh so very much
Dead-a, dead-a, dead-a, dead-a, dead-a
Dead-a, dead-a, dead-a, dead-a, dead-a
Dead-a, D-dead
Yeah
But we’re so cool, we’re so cool, we’re so cool
Dead-a, dead-a, dead-a, dead-a, dead-a
Dead-a, dead-a, dead-a, dead-a, dead-a
Dead-a, D-dead
Dead
But we’re still cool, we’re still cool, we’re still cool

:^P

Hooray Regina Spektor

cooler.

So tonight, I went to two parties. Wore the most awesome outfit in the world... black three-inch stilettos, my butt jeans, this burgundy cotton knit tunic with a black camisole, my black trenchcoat, and then my hair in a half-pony. Makeup: darkdarkdark black eyeliner, very heavy, with red and gold, and then goldred lipstick.

I WISH I had good pictures! I lost my camera, though. I have no idea where it is and it's kind of distressing me.

I'm sure it'll pop up somewhere...

Anyway, so the two parties. I was most excited for the first one, because it was hosted by some friends of mine and I trust in their party-throwing abilities. Favorite comment: "Allie, you look so... tough."

Basically I felt like Violet or Aeon Flux. Sweet.

And yeah, basically, the coolest part of the night was when we ran away to the second party. Where was it? Oh, you have to go through this alley to get to this little room and this clearing... mmhmm. And there were so many people. It's 40 degrees outside and the room was literally steaming. Music so loud even rhythmically challenged people have to dance on beat. And there we were, me and my schnexi roommates, totally grooving it with the most fashionable people in Provo (true, which may not be saying much).

It was in that moment I knew: I am finally cooler.

update of life

So I hate posting more than once in a day, but I feel like I kind of have to. My mother just sent me this via email. James is my older brother.

"James had blood tests yesterday for his failing liver and a biopsy for his cancer. That took up half the day -- and he was in a pretty foul mood when it was all over. The doctor says to me, "You mean these scars came from burns from stomach acid? And you're telling me that he didn't seem to feel the burns?" I said, "Yeah." So he took the scalpel and just kinda rammed it into James while he cut out the tissue and James just sat there. The doc says "Wow, he didn't even flinch. I guess you're telling the truth." Of course, I said didn't "respond to" pain, not that he couldn't feel it. Then I asked the doctor about a rash on his arm, and he said it was folliculitis -- nothing big. I asked if I should treat it-- does it hurt? He gave me a funny look and said "Getting jabbed with a scalpel should hurt. I guess it might hurt, but can't be sure." What a charmer. We will have the results in a week or so."

So in case I'm weird over the next few weeks, that's basically why.

an ongoing funeral post

Hey guys, so the funeral's in a few hours. This side of the family is so fantastic, I feel I need to chronicle the event a little.

So, this morning over breakfast my great grandmother was interrogating me about my dating life. Toward the end, she sighed. "Well, I hope you fall in love with a man from Idaho," she said. "They always have so much money. That's what you want."

"Ah," I said.

"And anyway, you would love Idaho," she said.

Somehow I don't think she knows me very well. I smiled and nodded.

Yesterday she came up to me as I was chillin on her couch. "Well, with all these deaths in the family, you might as well just move in," she said. "And who knows? If we keep up this trend, maybe I'll be next! Ooh! Wouldn't that be lovely?!"

"Yes, Grandma," I said. Great Grandma Jo has a death wish--literally.

So... the viewing yesterday was a little unnerving. My aunt was 58 and DS--her hair was not grey at all. In my head she always had grey hair. But I guess she never did. Developmental defects will do that to ya. Anyway. The viewing. Here's who was there: me, my sister, my mommy, my Nana and Grampy, and then my other aunt and her husband. For an hour and a half. How sad is that.

And then my mom is speaking at the funeral. I hope I don't have a funeral, and no funeral speeches. Or at least, if I must have one, I hope people are honest about me. I hate funerals because there's always so much lying.

Or maybe I'm just a cynical witch, whatever. Someone should mention that at my funeral. :^D

Also: the luncheon after the graveside is being hosted by my lesbian cousins. How domestic of them, ey? So yeah. I'll update this post when I can next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AFTER THE FUNERAL

Well kids, it turned out to be okay. One of the speakers spoke for about ten years, approximately. Longest half hour of my life. The graveside was pretty and we saw my brother's plot. The luncheon afterward was actually decent.

I was slightly disappointed. All the anticipation and the terror was for nothing.

Clearly I am still just a young blogger padawan. I must be educated in the ways of living my life by blogging potential.

a good place to mention

So for those of you who care enough about my life to read my blog, you are the ones who should know that my aunt Claudia died this afternoon.

My mom called to let me know right as I was getting my car to go to the ranch. It was fantastic timing.

Anyway, so I guess when it rains it pours...


And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

so many thoughts

1. Just finished Atlas Shrugged. Best book ever. I have to say, that book has changed my life, and for the better. It was so odd. I put that book down just absolutely mindblown, but as I've been thinking about it, I see how so many parts of that book have mirrored my life. For instance, when I moved out to come to BYU. That was, at least toward the end, definitely me going strike. Initially, it was about me doing what I knew I had to do, but when people started getting stupid about it, it was me going on strike against them. It was me saying, let's see what happens to the looters when I leave. And do you know, I've never felt guilty for that. Maybe I should. Oh well.

There were so many fantastic parts of this book. I put it down and the first thing I thought was that I need to reread it. It is such an inspiration to me.

One day, earlier in the summer when I had begun getting into the novel, I started questioning the things I had always believed. Who has more power, I wondered: the politician, as I had always thought, or the writer? The politician can ban the books, but the writer plants the idea of censorship in the mind of the man who makes the decisions. Great minds do not come from nowhere. Great minds come from books. I decided, I may have to restructure how I live my life. I have started a new work. Maybe someday you will read it.

2. Look, I really don't want to wax philosophical, but I will say that if you are alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, you've got to make noise, because life is the very opposite of death. -Mel Brooks

Yesterday I met the most fantastic new associate, a passionate activist also from the best state of the Union. We were talking on the way from one meeting to the next, and I just had to ask her, do you ever feel as though there is nothing more beautiful than life and the living of it? She said she does.

There was one line of Atlas Shrugged that really got to me, during John Galt's giant monologue on the radio. Or maybe Hank Rearden said it. I don't remember, actually. But the line was something along the lines of, have you never felt the joy that comes from being in love with life itself, and the pride that comes from knowing that you are its worthy lover?

Guys, I think it's safe to say that I am in love with life itself. It makes everything else bearable, to know that I am alive and have the capacity and the ability to achieve my dearest goal. Nothing is more wonderful than knowing every morning that those are mylungs breathing that fresh cool air, that those are my feet gliding across the cement on the way to achieve a purposeful mission. Nothing is more beautiful than knowing that I am the only one who controls my life, and that my life is mine. In the end, I belong to God: and yet, it is my choice to serve Him. I cannot imagine anything more glorious than the concept of moral agency.

3. Last night someone asked me if I ever felt like I did too much. He laughed in probably shock when I replied that I mostly feel like I never do enough.

The fact is, that one goal I have my heart so set on is only to be achieved through hard work. I need to run harder, sleep less. There is no alternative. No, I do not do too much. I barely do enough and at every opportunity you can be sure I will do more.

4. In some of my classes, we're studying the cell right now. I never realized how magnificent this entity is. I had to call my mother in excitement once I had the epiphany: the cell is glorious. Just thinking about it I feel triumph. I don't know why. Cells are just that... awesome. In the sense of inspiring true, uninhibited awe. Wow. I love my mom. She's the only person I know with whom I can discuss current events, and language acquisition, and classic literature, and the Gospel, and mathematics, and biology, and whatever else you can think of, all in one conversation. We had the best conversation the other day about emergent intelligence. A greater testimony to the sanctity of life I can't imagine.

Well, kids, I should go.

BLOG IT OUT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!

STRESSFUL EVENING!!!!

First, missed dinner in favor of SID meeting. Was all right with that because SID is worth it, and there was food there. Unfortunately, was not able to get any food. Ran away to other meeting, which lasted several hours. Came home to dessert night to find other people had eaten all my food. They are officially fired.

Made a Wendy's run with Edward. Came home to find they had not put my sandwich in the bag. Had not eaten since... 2. Was now 11:45. At 2 I only ate two little Keebler elf cookies or whatever. So it didn't really count.

I think I may be fairly fearsome on no food late at night, having been wronged by evil Wendy's workers.

Well, TAKE THAT, WENDY!!!!! I am BLOGGING ABOUT HOW TERRIBLE YOU ARE!!!

::deep breaths::

I had to go back, this time with Mary, and managed to be civil long enough to get my sandwich. They gave me two Frosties as a consolation. I don't even like Frosties. And anyway, they were probably the two Frosties they forgot to give the last people.

Wendy's, you are fired. Holy schneikos.

long term, short term

I've been pondering lately the meaning of life. Surprise! But really, the other day I found the most amazing book. I've read it a number of times through and forced my roommies to do the same. Basically it's a collection of life strategies, all focused on success in the long term.

And what I've noticed is that when I focus on the long term, some of my short term things die. Really, it sucks. I've lost a lot of short term things I had counted on in favor of the long term.

And I never really realized how so many things in the long term are compromised by my stupid short term decisions. I know that every move I make--or do not make, depending--is for the best, because it is ensuring my eventual happiness. And yet, in the meantime, it kind of is not that fun.

It takes a lot of faith, I guess, when I look at it that way. The hardest part right now is realizing that I no longer have much interest in the long term my book was discussing, and I really do miss short term stuff. And yet, now everytime I don't invest in my future project, I feel so freaking guilty I can barely handle myself. How lame is that.

So basically, guys, when you start feeling your drive to save the world, just remember that yes, it will require sacrifice, and yes, it will suck. Just hopefully it will be worth it.

productivity

Today was productive. Here is what I did.

- woke up (yes, this counts as something productive. it was probably the hardest part of the day)
- shower!
- scriptures!
- breakfast
- met with my boss/major advisor/research mentor and discussed work/graduation/research (he said I can get credit for publishing the paper when we're done--Advanced Writing credit, I mean--and he wants me to present the paper with him in DC in June!)
- visited a class about IAS 353R. They clapped for me at the end of my presentation, oddly. It was sweet
- went to work, for once
- watched Devotional
- visited BYUSA about starting a new secret club, ohoho
- drove my roommate to her voice lesson
- read 200 pages of Atlas Shrugged
- went to dinner
- planned the next eternity of BYUCR stuff
- found my new internship for the summer
- went grocery shopping
- ate like seven otter pops

and yeah. I feel like the most productive woman on earth. Rock.

do or do not. there is no try.

I feel it necessary to blog quickly about dating. And more specifically, about asking people out.

In the days when I used to ask men to go with me to my various everythings, I definitely studied up, and spent some quality time philosophizing on the subject. And now, as a more or less frequent dater, I have come to accept a set of expectations when a person asks me out. And these are my conclusions, shared with the world because apparently the world struggles at times.

1. When asking a person out, you MUST do it live. By this I mean, they must be with you in person, or else live on the other end of the phone line (though in person is preferable). Emails, facebook messages, text messages, voicemails, snailmails, telegrams, Morse code, carrier pigeons, blog comments, and other means of communication are not acceptable. Ever. The logic behind this: some people don't check their email, their facebook, their voicemail. It's stupid to ask someone out and not even know when they'll get to finding your message. But even more than that, it's just rude. Leaving everything in a message is a way of foisting the responsibility for organizing the date onto the other person--and who here wants to date a person who would do that? Come on guys, haven't you ever seen Kate and Leopold?

2. When asking a person out, you MUST have a plan. It is never permissible to call a person up without having thought through the date first. To qualify as a plan, a date must have a time, a place, a date (in the time sense), and an activity. When you ask the person, the correct format is as follows: "Hey [insert name of hottie here], I was wondering if you would be interested in going with me on Friday night at 8 pm to Movies 8 to see Stardust?" Switch the exact wording as you please, but be sure that all elements are included. The logic behind this : first, nothing is more attractive than a man with a plan. Second, it's just polite to ask that way. The person you are asking then has all the details before them right from the getgo, and that's the way it should be.

3. When asking a person out, you MUST give them advance notice. Fewer than three twenty-four hour days is completely unacceptable. This, I feel, is self-explanatory: everyone has a life and it's rude to assume that they do not.

4. When asking a person out, you MUST receive confirmation of the date before going any further. Never assume that no response is a yes. No response is exactly what it sounds like: no response. Call back multiple times if that's what it takes to receive verbal confirmation of the date. Call the night before the date to confirm that everything is still all right. It's just the wise thing to do.

5. When asking a person out, you MUST do it with confidence. It doesn't always matter what you say as much as it matters how you say it. In my personal experience, I've not-dated a number of men I actually thought were decent, only because they seemed like pansies when they were asking me out. Nothing screams "UNATTRACTIVE!" like a man who appears to expect rejection. Why would any girl want to go out with a man who expects to be rejected? What does that say about him? And what would it say about the girl if she dated him?

I think that covers most of the basics. Essentially, what this all comes down to is respect, for others and for yourself. It's really that simple.

Amen.

death sentence.

This article was in the New York Times today.

Mrs. Brewster and her son have had a long history of torture and murder. And yet, after the son murdering his father and Mrs. Brewster murdering her old roommate, each of them only got a few years in jail. Six years in jail for the murder of an 84-year-old woman. It makes me sick.

But our government has stopped believing in justice. We have rejected God in government but embraced the idea of forgiveness in our courts, and look where it's gotten us. Look where it's gotten that poor tortured woman. Removing the plain and precious things takes its toll, doesn't it.

And how fitting that the people should pay for the folly of government. After all, we elected the idiots who restructured the American idea of justice.

The whole thing just impresses it upon me further: each of us who feels that stirring of the soul, each of us who has awoken from that terrible slumber, must come forth and take a stand.

Remember, guys, there is no room for apathy or willful ignorance. Revelation 3:15-16. And yeah guys, that's God talking there.

anniversary

I think most people have forgotten the significance of this day. I woke up and didn't feel different. Nothing was different. I was thinking about what to blog about and then it hit me: this is September 11.

The world was different six years ago.

I was in middle school at the time. Weird, huh? My real middle school was being renovated, so we were bused down to a place called Tilden, which is coincidentally across the street from the Pentagon.

I just remember feeling... empty. Like how it felt in that car accident, right after the impact. That feeling of, everything is falling apart, and oh well. Guess you just have to go through the motions.

There was smoke in the air. The teachers were trying not to panic. All of my friends had their parents come and pick them up. I was just there, alone. Not really scared, just empty. I knew nothing would happen to me. But it was still so odd.

And then to see the aftermath... the streets full of frightened people on the day of. Then the emergence of Code Reds and Code Blues and all that jazz. I remember when my mother had to get this guy to move his car because it had been parked in the same place on the side of the road for six months.

He had died in the Pentagon that day.

He had no one to move his car.

I always read through the Book of Mormon and the Bible and wondered how people could forget so quickly. How does one forget something like that?

And yet, here we are, forgetting... Sad.

busy

I think it's starting to hit me today that my life is busy.

I didn't do my homework before the weekend, or my work for my actual jobs. It didn't occur to me that on Mondays I have straight class from 9-6, no lies. No breaks. I'm writing from Ling 473. So I had to wake up super early to get everything done on time.

Then this week, things are insane. With College Republicans alone I have ten million things to do, and then my one friend is getting married on Friday and I have to buy her stuff and go to the reception, and then I have to publish this one thing for Intercultural Outreach, and life is busy. All that, of course, is on top of my research and 15 credits.

I was talking to one of my friends about fun. He and I are dead set on changing the world, but we approach it in different ways. He says, he needs to change the world and so he's going to lock himself in his room and do homework all the time. I say, if I go crazy, what good will that do to the world? Parties keep me sane. Music keeps me sane. Dating keeps me sane. I enjoy those things. Therefore, they are worth it to me and to the world. What good am I to anyone if I'm not happy enough to keep working? And also, I have discovered something he has not discovered: that it's not what you know, but who you know that counts. Parties and social events are where you get to know people. And it's networks that change the world. It's the connectors that change the world.

At the same time, there's definitely a price to be paid for sociality when it comes to saving the world and building a name for yourself. The biggest question is: is it worth it?

I guess it depends on the person.

a new crusade

I was pondering today about the grotesque company known to some as TPM. Total Property Management, the worst management company potentially in the whole world.

I concluded that perhaps the time has come for me to launch a new crusade, of sorts.... look up all the houses of TPM renters, and make friends with them all, and then begin a mass campaign against them. I would have all the renters over and inform them of their rights as renters, and then we would all work together to turn TPM into the pleasant, effective company it ought to be. It would be simple: I would be the organizer, and just make sure that every day a number of residents were making clear complaints (complete with threats, of course). And I would have to make sure that we were fulfilling our threats. Gotta keep the company in fear, you know.

I think the thing that keeps people from going out and getting things done like this is mostly fear. Fear and ignorance. If people really understood that whole "small and simple things" principle, a lot more would get done. Seriously: by small and simple things, great things come to pass. My organizing a small number of renters could seriously change BYU's off-campus housing, for the better.

I just have to decide if it's really worth my time. If I had some dedicated partners, that would be better. Hmm...

the mind of a fish.

So the last tenants before me left me a whole bunch of things when they moved out. One of them was a fish. He's a bluish purplish betta fish, and when I first moved in, he just looked so unhappy in his green water and yucky bowl. So I would sing to him, that one song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: "Cheer up, Charlie, when skies are grey...."

And now his name is Charlie.

And all my Charles does is sit there in his tank and swim around. I think about that sometimes. How boring I would find that life. Luckily he has me to be inhabiting the rooms in his line of vision, so I'm sure he's never TOO bored, except between the hours of 2 and 9 am. But I mean, if it weren't for me, what would he even do all day? All he can do is watch me live.

I went to my friend Christine's house today, to see what she'd done with it. The conversation turned to TV, and her roommate Leanne said something very wise: that she was sick of watching other people live their lives and it was time for her to live hers.

"And let us make our lives worth watching," I said.

I can think of nothing worse than dying and leaving no legacy behind. So dang it, I am going to leave something behind.

A first entry

Hi, this is my new blog. Don't you like its name?

It seems that I can't keep a blog for more than a year. For some reason, I always in fits of strange passive anger delete them and then later feel bad and want a new blog.

This is one of those moments. Welcome to my new blog.


....and PS, isn't it odd how my new blog is pink? I suppose I just experienced a strange burst of femininity or something. :^P We'll see how long it lasts...