cooler.

So tonight, I went to two parties. Wore the most awesome outfit in the world... black three-inch stilettos, my butt jeans, this burgundy cotton knit tunic with a black camisole, my black trenchcoat, and then my hair in a half-pony. Makeup: darkdarkdark black eyeliner, very heavy, with red and gold, and then goldred lipstick.

I WISH I had good pictures! I lost my camera, though. I have no idea where it is and it's kind of distressing me.

I'm sure it'll pop up somewhere...

Anyway, so the two parties. I was most excited for the first one, because it was hosted by some friends of mine and I trust in their party-throwing abilities. Favorite comment: "Allie, you look so... tough."

Basically I felt like Violet or Aeon Flux. Sweet.

And yeah, basically, the coolest part of the night was when we ran away to the second party. Where was it? Oh, you have to go through this alley to get to this little room and this clearing... mmhmm. And there were so many people. It's 40 degrees outside and the room was literally steaming. Music so loud even rhythmically challenged people have to dance on beat. And there we were, me and my schnexi roommates, totally grooving it with the most fashionable people in Provo (true, which may not be saying much).

It was in that moment I knew: I am finally cooler.

update of life

So I hate posting more than once in a day, but I feel like I kind of have to. My mother just sent me this via email. James is my older brother.

"James had blood tests yesterday for his failing liver and a biopsy for his cancer. That took up half the day -- and he was in a pretty foul mood when it was all over. The doctor says to me, "You mean these scars came from burns from stomach acid? And you're telling me that he didn't seem to feel the burns?" I said, "Yeah." So he took the scalpel and just kinda rammed it into James while he cut out the tissue and James just sat there. The doc says "Wow, he didn't even flinch. I guess you're telling the truth." Of course, I said didn't "respond to" pain, not that he couldn't feel it. Then I asked the doctor about a rash on his arm, and he said it was folliculitis -- nothing big. I asked if I should treat it-- does it hurt? He gave me a funny look and said "Getting jabbed with a scalpel should hurt. I guess it might hurt, but can't be sure." What a charmer. We will have the results in a week or so."

So in case I'm weird over the next few weeks, that's basically why.

an ongoing funeral post

Hey guys, so the funeral's in a few hours. This side of the family is so fantastic, I feel I need to chronicle the event a little.

So, this morning over breakfast my great grandmother was interrogating me about my dating life. Toward the end, she sighed. "Well, I hope you fall in love with a man from Idaho," she said. "They always have so much money. That's what you want."

"Ah," I said.

"And anyway, you would love Idaho," she said.

Somehow I don't think she knows me very well. I smiled and nodded.

Yesterday she came up to me as I was chillin on her couch. "Well, with all these deaths in the family, you might as well just move in," she said. "And who knows? If we keep up this trend, maybe I'll be next! Ooh! Wouldn't that be lovely?!"

"Yes, Grandma," I said. Great Grandma Jo has a death wish--literally.

So... the viewing yesterday was a little unnerving. My aunt was 58 and DS--her hair was not grey at all. In my head she always had grey hair. But I guess she never did. Developmental defects will do that to ya. Anyway. The viewing. Here's who was there: me, my sister, my mommy, my Nana and Grampy, and then my other aunt and her husband. For an hour and a half. How sad is that.

And then my mom is speaking at the funeral. I hope I don't have a funeral, and no funeral speeches. Or at least, if I must have one, I hope people are honest about me. I hate funerals because there's always so much lying.

Or maybe I'm just a cynical witch, whatever. Someone should mention that at my funeral. :^D

Also: the luncheon after the graveside is being hosted by my lesbian cousins. How domestic of them, ey? So yeah. I'll update this post when I can next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AFTER THE FUNERAL

Well kids, it turned out to be okay. One of the speakers spoke for about ten years, approximately. Longest half hour of my life. The graveside was pretty and we saw my brother's plot. The luncheon afterward was actually decent.

I was slightly disappointed. All the anticipation and the terror was for nothing.

Clearly I am still just a young blogger padawan. I must be educated in the ways of living my life by blogging potential.

a good place to mention

So for those of you who care enough about my life to read my blog, you are the ones who should know that my aunt Claudia died this afternoon.

My mom called to let me know right as I was getting my car to go to the ranch. It was fantastic timing.

Anyway, so I guess when it rains it pours...


And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

so many thoughts

1. Just finished Atlas Shrugged. Best book ever. I have to say, that book has changed my life, and for the better. It was so odd. I put that book down just absolutely mindblown, but as I've been thinking about it, I see how so many parts of that book have mirrored my life. For instance, when I moved out to come to BYU. That was, at least toward the end, definitely me going strike. Initially, it was about me doing what I knew I had to do, but when people started getting stupid about it, it was me going on strike against them. It was me saying, let's see what happens to the looters when I leave. And do you know, I've never felt guilty for that. Maybe I should. Oh well.

There were so many fantastic parts of this book. I put it down and the first thing I thought was that I need to reread it. It is such an inspiration to me.

One day, earlier in the summer when I had begun getting into the novel, I started questioning the things I had always believed. Who has more power, I wondered: the politician, as I had always thought, or the writer? The politician can ban the books, but the writer plants the idea of censorship in the mind of the man who makes the decisions. Great minds do not come from nowhere. Great minds come from books. I decided, I may have to restructure how I live my life. I have started a new work. Maybe someday you will read it.

2. Look, I really don't want to wax philosophical, but I will say that if you are alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, you've got to make noise, because life is the very opposite of death. -Mel Brooks

Yesterday I met the most fantastic new associate, a passionate activist also from the best state of the Union. We were talking on the way from one meeting to the next, and I just had to ask her, do you ever feel as though there is nothing more beautiful than life and the living of it? She said she does.

There was one line of Atlas Shrugged that really got to me, during John Galt's giant monologue on the radio. Or maybe Hank Rearden said it. I don't remember, actually. But the line was something along the lines of, have you never felt the joy that comes from being in love with life itself, and the pride that comes from knowing that you are its worthy lover?

Guys, I think it's safe to say that I am in love with life itself. It makes everything else bearable, to know that I am alive and have the capacity and the ability to achieve my dearest goal. Nothing is more wonderful than knowing every morning that those are mylungs breathing that fresh cool air, that those are my feet gliding across the cement on the way to achieve a purposeful mission. Nothing is more beautiful than knowing that I am the only one who controls my life, and that my life is mine. In the end, I belong to God: and yet, it is my choice to serve Him. I cannot imagine anything more glorious than the concept of moral agency.

3. Last night someone asked me if I ever felt like I did too much. He laughed in probably shock when I replied that I mostly feel like I never do enough.

The fact is, that one goal I have my heart so set on is only to be achieved through hard work. I need to run harder, sleep less. There is no alternative. No, I do not do too much. I barely do enough and at every opportunity you can be sure I will do more.

4. In some of my classes, we're studying the cell right now. I never realized how magnificent this entity is. I had to call my mother in excitement once I had the epiphany: the cell is glorious. Just thinking about it I feel triumph. I don't know why. Cells are just that... awesome. In the sense of inspiring true, uninhibited awe. Wow. I love my mom. She's the only person I know with whom I can discuss current events, and language acquisition, and classic literature, and the Gospel, and mathematics, and biology, and whatever else you can think of, all in one conversation. We had the best conversation the other day about emergent intelligence. A greater testimony to the sanctity of life I can't imagine.

Well, kids, I should go.

BLOG IT OUT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!

STRESSFUL EVENING!!!!

First, missed dinner in favor of SID meeting. Was all right with that because SID is worth it, and there was food there. Unfortunately, was not able to get any food. Ran away to other meeting, which lasted several hours. Came home to dessert night to find other people had eaten all my food. They are officially fired.

Made a Wendy's run with Edward. Came home to find they had not put my sandwich in the bag. Had not eaten since... 2. Was now 11:45. At 2 I only ate two little Keebler elf cookies or whatever. So it didn't really count.

I think I may be fairly fearsome on no food late at night, having been wronged by evil Wendy's workers.

Well, TAKE THAT, WENDY!!!!! I am BLOGGING ABOUT HOW TERRIBLE YOU ARE!!!

::deep breaths::

I had to go back, this time with Mary, and managed to be civil long enough to get my sandwich. They gave me two Frosties as a consolation. I don't even like Frosties. And anyway, they were probably the two Frosties they forgot to give the last people.

Wendy's, you are fired. Holy schneikos.

long term, short term

I've been pondering lately the meaning of life. Surprise! But really, the other day I found the most amazing book. I've read it a number of times through and forced my roommies to do the same. Basically it's a collection of life strategies, all focused on success in the long term.

And what I've noticed is that when I focus on the long term, some of my short term things die. Really, it sucks. I've lost a lot of short term things I had counted on in favor of the long term.

And I never really realized how so many things in the long term are compromised by my stupid short term decisions. I know that every move I make--or do not make, depending--is for the best, because it is ensuring my eventual happiness. And yet, in the meantime, it kind of is not that fun.

It takes a lot of faith, I guess, when I look at it that way. The hardest part right now is realizing that I no longer have much interest in the long term my book was discussing, and I really do miss short term stuff. And yet, now everytime I don't invest in my future project, I feel so freaking guilty I can barely handle myself. How lame is that.

So basically, guys, when you start feeling your drive to save the world, just remember that yes, it will require sacrifice, and yes, it will suck. Just hopefully it will be worth it.

productivity

Today was productive. Here is what I did.

- woke up (yes, this counts as something productive. it was probably the hardest part of the day)
- shower!
- scriptures!
- breakfast
- met with my boss/major advisor/research mentor and discussed work/graduation/research (he said I can get credit for publishing the paper when we're done--Advanced Writing credit, I mean--and he wants me to present the paper with him in DC in June!)
- visited a class about IAS 353R. They clapped for me at the end of my presentation, oddly. It was sweet
- went to work, for once
- watched Devotional
- visited BYUSA about starting a new secret club, ohoho
- drove my roommate to her voice lesson
- read 200 pages of Atlas Shrugged
- went to dinner
- planned the next eternity of BYUCR stuff
- found my new internship for the summer
- went grocery shopping
- ate like seven otter pops

and yeah. I feel like the most productive woman on earth. Rock.

do or do not. there is no try.

I feel it necessary to blog quickly about dating. And more specifically, about asking people out.

In the days when I used to ask men to go with me to my various everythings, I definitely studied up, and spent some quality time philosophizing on the subject. And now, as a more or less frequent dater, I have come to accept a set of expectations when a person asks me out. And these are my conclusions, shared with the world because apparently the world struggles at times.

1. When asking a person out, you MUST do it live. By this I mean, they must be with you in person, or else live on the other end of the phone line (though in person is preferable). Emails, facebook messages, text messages, voicemails, snailmails, telegrams, Morse code, carrier pigeons, blog comments, and other means of communication are not acceptable. Ever. The logic behind this: some people don't check their email, their facebook, their voicemail. It's stupid to ask someone out and not even know when they'll get to finding your message. But even more than that, it's just rude. Leaving everything in a message is a way of foisting the responsibility for organizing the date onto the other person--and who here wants to date a person who would do that? Come on guys, haven't you ever seen Kate and Leopold?

2. When asking a person out, you MUST have a plan. It is never permissible to call a person up without having thought through the date first. To qualify as a plan, a date must have a time, a place, a date (in the time sense), and an activity. When you ask the person, the correct format is as follows: "Hey [insert name of hottie here], I was wondering if you would be interested in going with me on Friday night at 8 pm to Movies 8 to see Stardust?" Switch the exact wording as you please, but be sure that all elements are included. The logic behind this : first, nothing is more attractive than a man with a plan. Second, it's just polite to ask that way. The person you are asking then has all the details before them right from the getgo, and that's the way it should be.

3. When asking a person out, you MUST give them advance notice. Fewer than three twenty-four hour days is completely unacceptable. This, I feel, is self-explanatory: everyone has a life and it's rude to assume that they do not.

4. When asking a person out, you MUST receive confirmation of the date before going any further. Never assume that no response is a yes. No response is exactly what it sounds like: no response. Call back multiple times if that's what it takes to receive verbal confirmation of the date. Call the night before the date to confirm that everything is still all right. It's just the wise thing to do.

5. When asking a person out, you MUST do it with confidence. It doesn't always matter what you say as much as it matters how you say it. In my personal experience, I've not-dated a number of men I actually thought were decent, only because they seemed like pansies when they were asking me out. Nothing screams "UNATTRACTIVE!" like a man who appears to expect rejection. Why would any girl want to go out with a man who expects to be rejected? What does that say about him? And what would it say about the girl if she dated him?

I think that covers most of the basics. Essentially, what this all comes down to is respect, for others and for yourself. It's really that simple.

Amen.

death sentence.

This article was in the New York Times today.

Mrs. Brewster and her son have had a long history of torture and murder. And yet, after the son murdering his father and Mrs. Brewster murdering her old roommate, each of them only got a few years in jail. Six years in jail for the murder of an 84-year-old woman. It makes me sick.

But our government has stopped believing in justice. We have rejected God in government but embraced the idea of forgiveness in our courts, and look where it's gotten us. Look where it's gotten that poor tortured woman. Removing the plain and precious things takes its toll, doesn't it.

And how fitting that the people should pay for the folly of government. After all, we elected the idiots who restructured the American idea of justice.

The whole thing just impresses it upon me further: each of us who feels that stirring of the soul, each of us who has awoken from that terrible slumber, must come forth and take a stand.

Remember, guys, there is no room for apathy or willful ignorance. Revelation 3:15-16. And yeah guys, that's God talking there.

anniversary

I think most people have forgotten the significance of this day. I woke up and didn't feel different. Nothing was different. I was thinking about what to blog about and then it hit me: this is September 11.

The world was different six years ago.

I was in middle school at the time. Weird, huh? My real middle school was being renovated, so we were bused down to a place called Tilden, which is coincidentally across the street from the Pentagon.

I just remember feeling... empty. Like how it felt in that car accident, right after the impact. That feeling of, everything is falling apart, and oh well. Guess you just have to go through the motions.

There was smoke in the air. The teachers were trying not to panic. All of my friends had their parents come and pick them up. I was just there, alone. Not really scared, just empty. I knew nothing would happen to me. But it was still so odd.

And then to see the aftermath... the streets full of frightened people on the day of. Then the emergence of Code Reds and Code Blues and all that jazz. I remember when my mother had to get this guy to move his car because it had been parked in the same place on the side of the road for six months.

He had died in the Pentagon that day.

He had no one to move his car.

I always read through the Book of Mormon and the Bible and wondered how people could forget so quickly. How does one forget something like that?

And yet, here we are, forgetting... Sad.

busy

I think it's starting to hit me today that my life is busy.

I didn't do my homework before the weekend, or my work for my actual jobs. It didn't occur to me that on Mondays I have straight class from 9-6, no lies. No breaks. I'm writing from Ling 473. So I had to wake up super early to get everything done on time.

Then this week, things are insane. With College Republicans alone I have ten million things to do, and then my one friend is getting married on Friday and I have to buy her stuff and go to the reception, and then I have to publish this one thing for Intercultural Outreach, and life is busy. All that, of course, is on top of my research and 15 credits.

I was talking to one of my friends about fun. He and I are dead set on changing the world, but we approach it in different ways. He says, he needs to change the world and so he's going to lock himself in his room and do homework all the time. I say, if I go crazy, what good will that do to the world? Parties keep me sane. Music keeps me sane. Dating keeps me sane. I enjoy those things. Therefore, they are worth it to me and to the world. What good am I to anyone if I'm not happy enough to keep working? And also, I have discovered something he has not discovered: that it's not what you know, but who you know that counts. Parties and social events are where you get to know people. And it's networks that change the world. It's the connectors that change the world.

At the same time, there's definitely a price to be paid for sociality when it comes to saving the world and building a name for yourself. The biggest question is: is it worth it?

I guess it depends on the person.