you don't know me, you don't know me

Ben Folds wins the award for writing the song of the day. Minus the f-bomb in there, he so describes how I feel.

I ran into my beloved Huntress today (!) for a scheduled Meeting of Discussions and Luncheon, and we reminisced about our past days of yore. And it was sad to think of how much has changed since then--but at least I have her. This song is for my old friends, with whom I am friends no longer. For the reasons outlined in this song.

Yeah. Happy Birthday.

yakkity yak

I have like a million things I feel I should write here. Oh well. Here goes:

1. I actually worked 19:15 hours this week. And talked to my boss about getting a raise. Apparently I already make as much as a student manager there, but he said we'd talk about it more on Monday because he thinks I deserve a raise, too. Hooray.

The downside of this all is that I had to wake up at 5 am every day this week, because I work opening! Whoo. Yeah. I love opening, but I also love staying up late with Carl. I think I may have to begin budgeting my time better. Alas.

2. Got a weird email from my last boyfriend yesterday. I mentioned in this group email about something else that I was engaged, just to let them know, because I figured those people would be offended if I didn't tell them. My ex wrote back with tons of bolds and exclamation points, which he's never done before, and was so quick to mention that he probably wouldn't be able to make it to the reception on account of his new semi-permanent residency in Africa. It was weird.

And I had a dream about another exboyfriend last night, in which he and I were actually friends, although he didn't like Carl. It was strange and it was strange to remember that all dreams process emotion that can't come out in real life. I guess I was processing the idea of his forgiveness? Since heaven knows he's incapable of forgiveness in real life.

3. Took engagement pictures yesterday with Alishka and Chilly! Hooray! And, of course, the Future King of the Internet. :o) It was good. I accidentally cut off a slice of my toe on the adventure, which made it extra adventurous. Alishka was a hero and asked a momlady for a bandaid; Carl was a hero and helped put the bandaid on and stop the bleeding; and Chilly was a hero because she was like me and helped calm me down. <3 <3 <3 It was intense, but all is well. My toe is bandaged now; thanks, Carl.

So, other than all of that. Took my first midterm on Friday, and now I have one or two more this week. Whoopee. My mom, Nana, and Sam are flying out to see me on Oct 29, which will be good, but it means that I have to get all my homework done and stuff before that, because we'll mostly be dress and invitation shopping. Even though I love the dress I designed, sad day. Oh well. I remember one time Abby and I went wedding dress shopping, and Abby looked SO GOOD in some of those dresses! Wow. So who knows what we will find.

Gah. I can't do Nursery with this toe. Mostly I just want to sleep. Bleh. Oh well.

long day

on campus for 16 hours

it was long

just felt like saying hi to my blog



hi blog

tuesday

Today has been ultimately strange. That's what I decided.

I got that girl onto the bus this morning. I felt so bad. She recently had hip surgery, and her wheelchair is kind of tight around the hips, and she cried when I put her in. They told me that would happen, but it was still kind of weird. Kind of hard. James doesn't cry. Like, ever. He cried once when we installed his gastric feeding tube, once when we cauterized his nose, and once while we were singing some Christmas carols (?). We couldn't figure that one out. Anyway.

So yeah. Class was fine. I learned about soil. Surprise. We learned that there is more air in the soil than there is air in the actual... you know, air. I promise that actually makes sense. O.o;;

Then I wrote my Brimhall essay and turned it in, and sent some stuff to my friend, and emailed people, and watched Carl read Moby Dick. LoL.

Well, peace

giving back

Tonight as I was chatting with a million people, I got a phone call through my uncle's phone. It was the RS 1st counselor, with a mission for me.

There's a chick in the ward who's got a daughter with CP, who needs a babysitter. I volunteered weeks ago to help. They finally called me in for training just now.

It was so funny. The lady was all like, "My daughter doesn't have normal muscle tone. Carrying her is like carrying a sack of potatoes. She's 36 pounds! I'm not sure if you can do it!"

And I was like, "You mean she has muscular dystrophy? And psh, I've carried dystrophic people twice that weight." Bazam. Actually more than twice that weight.

And so now we are best friends and I have a new stewardship. Named Chenille. I take care of her on Tuesday and potentially Thursday mornings from 7:30-9 am. Cool. She even has my brother's wheelchair. And she has a feeding tube! This is like 100% my element, guys.

You know, I'm not a super huge fan of caring for the handicapped. Like, I'm a fan of other people doing it, but I've never just woken up and been like, geez, I really wish I could go lighten the load for some handicapped guy. You know? Honestly, as a younger sibling of one, I've been a little bit scarred. But I love my brother, and I'm excited to work with Chenille. I figure, what good would it have done to take care of James my whole life and then not use that knowledge to help someone else?

Or: some people ask, what is the meaning of life? But the truly wise ask, how can I make my life more meaningful? Where is the meaning when you don't use your past trials to benefit those around you?

Plus, I realized that I don't really mind SUPER handicapped people, it's just the sort of handicapped ones that bug me. Yeah, I'm a terrible person. Every day I give thanks that James can't really walk or talk.

But anyway. It feels good to be giving back.

And now I need to make FLASHCARDS!

enlightenment

Tonight in the car I was blessed with enlightenment. PS, Idaho was good, but dusty, and I dug up and weighed like 10 million potatoes. And back to my enlightenment.

As I was dropping Carl off, I had a sudden flash of inspiration, that all the things that make my old group of friends so cool are all the things that kind of lead to why they're not married.

And I was pondering this on the way back to my house, and something hit me. It's a little difficult to explain in one go, so here.

One time, I got into this terrible car accident, and an ex-friend said that he thought I deserved it. At the time I was both horrified and delighted, and thought he was wrong. But now I know that he was right.

And here's the thing: I firmly believe that we all get exactly what we deserve. We live out our judgments in this life just as we will the next. God doesn't allow any unnecessary suffering for anyone; if you're suffering, it's because you have something to learn from it. I suffered that car accident because of the things I had to learn. And I did deserve it.

But on the other hand, I was thinking in the car, that also means that I deserve what is in my life now. Because we all deserve everything in our lives now, good and bad. I deserve it all.

It's like the great James Allen has said, nothing can come into your life except that which belongs to your soul.

It's a cool thought to think that Carl belongs to my soul, in a way. I deserve him.

On the other hand, I also deserve the homework for 19 credits of classes, and my mom being whack, and being poor, so there we go. I think it all balances out.

But anyway, so then, I realized, that once upon a time I traced how my entire relationship with Carl kind of goes back to that car. That car crash. How if I hadn't destroyed my car, I would have kept my job, which means I wouldn't have finished my first novel, which means I wouldn't have had a reason to talk to him really later--I mean, writing really brought us together, and that car accident that made me quit my job jumpstarted that for me.

And that's when it hit me: we all get exactly what we deserve every day. But all of the bad things that we once deserved but have moved on from? Those work together to bring us the best things we could ever hope for.

decision.

I'm going on the field trip. I got my homework and papers done ahead of time and will just go and party it up with my soil taxonomy pals for the pre-weekend.

...yay

OPINION POLL

Hey everyone! So, opinion question:

I'm allowed to go on a field trip this Thursday-Friday. Here are pros and cons.

PRO: I've never been farming before, and I'm sure it would be quite the adventure! How could I be a good Environmental Science major if I've never even tilled soil on a real farm?

CON: It's hard labor and it would be sweaty and gross.

PRO: It would be with some of my really good friends.

CON: It would not be with Carl.

PRO: It's a University excused absence.

CON: I would miss a test in my other Soils class, and a presentation in my English class, and the deadlines for 3 papers in 2 separate classes.

PRO: It would be working with dirt--and I really like dirt, actually.

CON: It's in Idaho.

PRO: It would give me experience.

CON: I would have to get to the parking lot at 5 in the morning.



Basically, there are lots of pros and cons. I usually make my decisions based on what I don't know. So typically, this is how it would go:

I know that if I stick around this weekend, I will check my email lots of times, I will do some homework and go to classes and chill.

I don't know what would happen if I went on this trip to Idaho.

And then I would choose Idaho because why bother living something you already know the end to?

Oh bother. I am so conflicted. Please leave your opinions below.

two thoughts

Today at church I had two thoughts.

First: recently I was accused of immaturity, on the count that I act differently with different people. This is a true fact: I act differently around Carl than I do with you, and I probably act differently with you, whoever you are, than I do with random strangers and than I do with my best girlfriends or my parents.

And I was thinking about it, and I thought of singing. In singing, it's a terrible thing if your voice stands out. You're supposed to blend with the people around you, because it makes all of you sound better. You never change the overall sound of your voice, but you lift your soft palatte differently, change the shape of your lips on a certain vowel, or change where you hold your tongue. You retain your individuality while trying to match other people, for the sake of comfort and unity of the choir and audience alike.

My other thought had to do with modern revelation. I read the preface to the Doctrine and Covenants today, and that section is intense.

The opening verses:

" 1 Hearken, O ye people of my church, saith the voice of him who dwells on high, and whose eyes are upon all men; yea, verily I say: Hearken ye people from afar; and ye that are upon the islands of the sea, listen together.
2 For verily the voice of the Lord is unto all men, and there is none to escape; and there is no eye that shall not see, neither ear that shall not hear, neither heart that shall not be penetrated.
3 And the rebellious shall be pierced with much sorrow; for their iniquities shall be spoken upon the housetops, and their secret acts shall be revealed.
4 And the voice of warning shall be unto all people, by the mouths of my disciples, whom I have chosen in these last days.
5 And they shall ago forth and none shall stay them, for I the Lord have commanded them.
6 Behold, this is mine authority, and the authority of my servants, and my preface unto the book of my commandments, which I have given them to publish unto you, O inhabitants of the earth.
7 Wherefore, fear and tremble, O ye people, for what I the Lord have decreed in them shall be fulfilled."

This is intense stuff. The rest of the section is really intense. You can read it here.

Anyway. In RS we were talking about how so many people refuse to embrace the idea of modern revelation through prophets, instead embracing revelations of the far past, for instance, in the Bible. But even in the Church we do it, reading the Book of Mormon and even the D&C and using those to replace the words of the prophet every month in the Ensign. Why? My teacher posited that it's because people are more comfortable with the words of the past--the words of God today expose all the corruption of our beliefs and our society, and most people just don't want to deal with that.

Interesting.

!!!

Carl and I are ENGAGED!!!!

He took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, and then we went to my favorite park, this Swedish park that was built over a hundred years ago. He gave me the love letter he owed me from when I won that reading contest, and then got down on his knee and popped the question. I cried and said yes. :o)

ps. weird ad

So sorry I have weird ads on the side of this page. I have no idea why they are featuring their particular features. O.o;

strange day

Today was so odd. Got 5 hours of sleep. Got up at 5, work at 6:30. Got off work at 10, had class from 10 to 4:30, and then worked until 7. All on less than 700 calories.

I'm a little tired, but I'm not really hungry, and I was actually happy and awake for the vast majority of the day, despite like 19304 emergencies at work.

What a strange day.

the best.

Tonight may qualify as the best night of my life so far. Not because of the things that necessarily happened, but because of how I felt.

Top Five Experiences Of My Life
1. Going ring shopping with the guy of my dreams, and coming home to talk about everything
2. First kiss with said guy
3. His birthday, with me in MD
4. Starting at BYU--i.e., escaping from MD when everyone said I couldn't do it or I shouldn't do it :o)
5. Crying with Abigail that one time

Those are at least the ones I can think of right now.

Life is so good. Just stressful. I need to go to bed... work in 6 hours!

<3

what every woman needs

I am utterly convinced that Carl is the best man in the world. Every woman needs a man like him.

The Checklist (in part)
-is strong
-can also be gentle
-has a good sense of humor
-incredibly good-looking
-a true gentleman
-is always willing to do anything to make you happier
-loves to make you smile
-is a good kisser
-likes your family
-has a cool family of his own
-makes an effort to be happy
-prioritizes you
-loves the Gospel

Basically, I am not convinced it is possible to be happier than I am right now.

Carl, you are amazing. :o)